So I’m pregnant again. YAY!
I knew this baby was supposed to be here.
My husband and I were planning to wait another month or two before trying to conceive our second. We had a lot of reasons, but none of them were incredibly convincing (obviously). Then at the beginning of February, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were supposed to welcome someone new into our family.
I felt a little frantic about it at first. I’d turn the phrase “mother of two” over and over in my mind. I would imagine myself introducing two children to new friends, and hypothesise the most efficient way to get two children in and out of their car-seats.
I started lingering a little longer over lunchtime with my son and treasuring the sweet looks we shared. I lapped in every detail of our life together in our little cloister- just he and I at home while his dad is at work. I would take some extra deep breaths during our little family hugs before bedtime, because the feelings of joy and contentment were so strong that I instinctively expected them to have a smell. I reveled in our good good life- and I knew that someone else was supposed to be living it with us.
This possibility was just as scary as it was the first time.
I don’t have a way of knowing when I am “ready” for big changes. I never have. I’ve never been able to talk myself out of fear, or plan less risky paths around life-changing obstacles. I’ve never had the option to wait until the fear subsided before I needed to make the next decision.
Here at 26, I have learned to jump through the fear. Not in spite of it, but out of compassion for it. I’ve decided to let fear abide in my life, quietly and within firm boundaries, while I go about the work God lays on my heart each season. I’ve learned to say, “Welcome back, Fear. I’m sorry you’re so torn up right now. Here’s a comfy chair and a cup of decaf- try to relax if you can, I’ll check in on you later.”
While I can never tell if I’m ready, with quiet reflection and brutal honesty, I’ve always known when the time is right for leap of faith. If I don’t know exactly what to do, I take it as evidence that I don’t need to do anything. So the fact that, all of a sudden, on a random Tuesday I knew without a doubt that someone was missing from my already perfect family, was all the convincing I needed.
By God’s mercy, getting pregnant and delivering a healthy baby was pretty uncomplicated last time, and is shaping up to be so this time as well. I’m growing, the baby’s growing. I’m still at least a little bit scared every single day, and that’s normal for me. In 15 years of trying to suss out God’s plan for my life, the best leads have followed knowledge, truth, and abiding peace. Fear has never been more than a quirky and unreliable side kick.